P N C O

Mostly photography, with the occasional philosophical contemplation

Trust

2 Comments

When I first met you I was still young.

You played along with my childhood games as we both shared the fun.

Unaware of the challenges of life I gave in to you without a doubt.

The fullness of life was so overwhelming I did not have to choose.

Later when doubt had entered the arena, you slowly disappeared to the background

Life became complicated with rules, relationships, expectations, punishment and reward.

The simpleness was replaced by intricate thought mechanisms which locked me into place.

Each day my life became more and more an experience of dull and boring rationality.

Playfulness was thrown out of the window in order to make sure I would fit in with everybody else.

But the more I fit in, the less free I felt.

Trapped by tempting promises and nightmares of hope and fear, the web of illusion closed in on me.

The one thing I had lost I had no idea I was missing.

Only when I found you back I knew I had been wandering in a cold and barren desert forever trying to clench my thirst.

The walls build around the inner temple squeezed the life out of me.

I tried to forget, suppressing everything I did not want to hear – I did not want to know.

Cause forgetfulness was better than to be reminded of not having you near.

Oh trust, life saviour, love giver.

On your shoulders I long to build my life.

Better than the sweetest dream, you wake me to a reality which is profound in its evidentness.

You are the atoms which hold the universe together.

Universaly revered because you are so humble.

I can now see myself again when I trust.

Naked with arms wide open, laying myself to rest in the heart of the world.

To trust is to know.

The wise among us know how to trust.

Trust. Let go. Fly.

Advertisements

Expression

4 Comments

Expression BW2

Expression

As we walk through our existence
Life changes come and go
Sometimes we struggle
Sometimes we fight
As the pain from deep inside haunts us

As with all things impermanent
Life too can change for the good
Pain can turn into pleasure
Sharing friendship and laughter
As the love from deep within shines on

As we try to express the inexpressible
Words fail us whenever we might try
To speak out what matters most to us
Leaving us speechless with too much to say
As the moment of insight glides from our reach

And yet it is our power to be
Expressing our human nature
Vulnerable and whole
Leave out all distinctions
And express who you want to be

Expression WP

 


2 Comments

Stuck in meaning

Yesterday I was sitting in the train and I was observing 2 playing girls who were with their parents and grandparents. While the girls were standing in the path just fooling around, the adults were constantly on the look for any imminent thread. (Hold on! Don’t do that! You´re going to get hurt! etc..) It reminded me of myself and how I always try to control everything to keep the painful from hurting me. But that means leaving out the spontaneity as well; it’s actually keeping life out. The girls kind of neglected their parents’ warnings and continue to play. It was a good and fun lesson to watch.

And here I am, struggling with deciding who I want to be. There is a feeling of being stuck in the struggle for meaning. Why am I struggling so hard to try and understand why I struggle? Isn’t the struggle enough? Or is the question wrong? And yet, at the same time I know I am me. And this means that I am me 100%, so with all the struggle and feelings and thoughts. But somehow I refuse to let go. I refuse to let go of my limiting view of myself and open up to a more realistic approach of myself. It’s the struggle of trying to grasp the idea of individuality by looking at the whole. And this is a never ending struggle, for in my heart I know that it is a mission impossible.

The feeling of being stuck is no stranger to me. For many years I have known this feeling, but most of the time I just ignored it. Lately however the feeling has become so urgent and everpresent; I can no longer hide away from it. I have to deal with it. And I’ve found out I don’t actually know how to deal with it. I seem to have lost the spontaneity I had when I was younger, though I know it’s still here inside under all these created layers of doubt, pain and struggle.

I’m struggling with the question how to be? But the question in itself is a strange one. How to be? What do I mean by that? To me it means that I actually think I don’t know how to be. But that’s absolutely absurd. For how can I not be? I am me every moment of the day, even though I can question whether I am or not.  I’m striving so hard to reach some place of release, enlightenment, that I totally miss the point. I’m trying to repeat every quote or mantra I’ve picked up in the spiritual books I’ve read, but I miss out the one essential thing. It’s not about striving to be. It’s about being and allowing the striving to be at the same time!

I realize I’m still very much connected to the image of me as a separate special self who has to make it in this life. But because I’m struggling so hard, I actually don’t know anymore what to do to become someone successful. Life is helping me to stop and look around to see what’s no longer working for me. Clinging on to the idea of reaching a final goal is one of these things. It’s like a major investment in a business which you don’t want to stop, even though everybody around you is telling you the business is going to collapse. And so it appears that everything is collapsing and that I have nothing to hold on to. It might be so. In the midst of this chaos there is being, even though I hardly recognize it.

I was looking for being myself so bad; I forgot that I always am right now. I don’t yet exist in the future and the past only comes into existence in the present. So to me it means accepting that I am not satisfied with myself and the way I live my life right now. Major investment gone incredibly wrong. So what? It gives me the opportunity to change a few things, unscrew some bolts and replace them. But it never meant there was no being. I just have wrong ideas about being alive. And writing it of my chest actually creates insight.. what a wonderful wonder 😉