P N C O

Mostly photography, with the occasional philosophical contemplation

25: Priorities

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Sometimes i wonder if i’ve got my priorities straight. The amount of distraction can be overwhelming from time to time. Willingly i let myself get carried away by endless little things which keep me from seeing what truly is important. Yet all of this existence, whether i am aware or distracted, will dissolve in the end. Like a bubble floating on the surface of a rapid river, my life can end at any point.

I used to fear death and i tried to hide this fear from myself by endlessly distracting myself. I could get caught up in gaming, having fun with friends or randomly surfing the internet. But i knew that i couldn’t hide forever. When i was younger, death had already visited me a couple of times. At one time, thinking about the incredible size of the universe somehow ended up with thoughts of death being the only certainty. And a few years later, in my first year of high school during a lunch break all over sudden i realized that all of these individuals that were there with me at that time sooner or later would die. Not an easy thing to digest as a young teenager.

So i know death has always been with me. Not so much in the physical sense, though i did see my grandparents go. Death has long been a reality in my thoughts and mind. I just wasn’t ready for it just yet. I first had to undergo suffering. The lesson came when out of the blue a former roommate of mine died. It took me many years to really deal with his loss. Eventually i found a way to cope with the loss which death brings. But i hadn’t come closer to death itself.

This all changed once i got interested in Buddhism. Death is a major part in philosophy and religion and Buddhism is no exception. When i read Buddhist teachings i soon found out that there was this openess about the reality of death, the emphasis on the importance of understanding our own mortality. It would be foolish to ignore such a basic fact, and yet if i looked back at my life, it was precisely what i had done. And what was taught to me in school, by the media and the social structure. Death was ugly, something to put away and not to look at.

In the last few years i’ve learned to look my enemy straight in its eyes. And i saw that he was not my enemy at all, but a teacher and a friend. Death taught me to see the fear within me. Death itself is nothing to fear, but the change which accompanies it, is something we may find hard to accept. But death is coming regardless. So every now and then i try to take some time to really experience the reality of death. Each moment, each second brings me closer to death. It is not something to become depressed about or sad. Rather, i use this as an opportunity to check whether i have got my priorities straight.

Life became so much simpler, so much easier once i’d accepted the reality of death. There is always this basic ground to resort back to in times of difficulties. Is this really worth all the suffering? Does it help me to understand and accept my mortality? Or is it just a mindless distraction which does not help me on my life’s path? Most of the time i’ll know within an instant that i was taking a detour, instead of being aware of the reality of death. I now try to be guided by the certainty of death. In a way it can be liberating once you allow death into your life. As long as you keep death out, you keep yourself from being whole.

I’d like to explain the image i choose with this blog. The patterns on the photo remind me of bubbles. The bubbles in the stream i’ve talked about earlier. They represent our lives. Vulnerable, very easy to break and very short lived. Yet we think we will live eternally. But reality shows us that everything which is born, will ultimately die. Next time you see a stream of water, or perhaps even your cup of coffee or tea, be aware of the few bubbles. That’s us, our lives, fleeting moments within time. Choose death as your friend and teacher, instead of as an enemy to be feared. If you become more aware of death in your life, you’ll be able to appreciate the value of life more. You’ll find it easier to make a distinction between what is important in life and what is not. And you will be able to let go of a lot of things you don’t really need. Realize that our life is like a bubble. Don’t hold onto it, you’ll have to let it go in the end anyway.

I’d like to close with a few lines from the Diamond Sutra, a famous Buddhist teaching which has inspired me a lot and helped me to deal with the subject of death

“So I say to you –
This is how to contemplate our conditioned existence in this fleeting world:”

“Like a tiny drop of dew, or a bubble floating in a stream;
Like a flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
Or a flickering lamp, an illusion, a phantom, or a dream.”

“So is all conditioned existence to be seen.”

Thus spoke Buddha.

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The Buddha within

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Golden Buddha

The Buddha within

Searching for your self
Clinging to body and mind
I-identity

Amidst this chaos
There is no I to be found
Where is the Buddha?


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So easy

Once you have that first realization, the rest is fairly simple. But I’ve noticed for some time now that it’s actually very hard to have that realization in the first place. The truth is plain and simple, the way to it however can be long, winding and physically and mentally demanding.

And yet I see myself hiding away from the truth in front of me and clinging onto something of which I know does not suit my best interests. That strange behavior I as a human show most of the time, is somewhat comparable to an addiction. With an addiction comes the false feeling of self-control. And I know every addict knows this. Then the question remains: why so many people suffer on a daily basis from their addictions?

It’s in the letting go. So easy to do, so easy not to do. We all have the power to decide for ourselves if we want to be in control or let something outside of us seize that control. Never has my lack of control really make me feel happy, yet in a twisting of the mind I always found myself convinced I was. Ain’t this story tragic and beautiful? Clinging on to the false hopes, dreams and illusions picked up in previous life stages, too stubborn to admit you lack every bit of control in your life.

I have had an intense feeling telling me where I’m standing at this point. It explained to me nothing is wasted, either in the present or in the past. Yes, I’ve done stupid things, even terrible things. But I try to learn something from them and whenever possible reverse the harm I’ve caused or am causing. So I can now finally stop the blaming game and look to myself in the mirror and say ‘I’m really actually trying to be a good person’. From that sense confidence can be developed.

It’s that one simple notion, that thought in the back of my mind, which brought me to the simple and for me stunning realization: I don’t need it. I’ve already got everything I need, so why would I go and search for pleasure and pain in all kinds of extremities?

I’m here and I’m living my life. What more could I want?

repost from http://rnull.wordpress.com