P N C O

Mostly photography, with the occasional philosophical contemplation

Lesson learned?

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I forgot that I knew

I now know that I forgot

Cause once more I remembered

What I knew but had forgotten

 

It took an old familiar pain

To point out the obvious truth

The reason why I left you

You only cause me harm

 

Now or in the near future

You may tempt me again

Lure me into your deadly trap

Full of your poisonous lies

 

I may even fall for you again

I know my flesh is weak

And so is the craving mind

Which blindly follows

 

But it no longer matters

So easily the winds blew away

Your so called stronghold

Tumbling house of cards

 

I can now see that in the end

I’ll know and I’ll remember

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Experiencing the nature of silence gives you the possibility to look inside your soul and feel the endless happiness it provides.To understand silence is to understand life itself. To see that noise is silence and… silence is all and nothing at the same time is to say I am and I am not. I deeply respect this mystical thing for it provides the best music I’ve ever heard –> Silence!

 

One day i was randomly writing when i was spiraling inwards with the text (above quote). Silence in the middle. Not lack of sound, but real silence. And as a person who has tinnitus in his left ear, i know that its good to have another defintion of silence than lack of sound 🙂 So if any of you suffers from tinnitus too, i just want you to know that there is a silence in the midst of all noise which has nothing to do with not hearing.. so don’t let it distract you from meditation as it did for me for so many years 😉


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Stuck in meaning

Yesterday I was sitting in the train and I was observing 2 playing girls who were with their parents and grandparents. While the girls were standing in the path just fooling around, the adults were constantly on the look for any imminent thread. (Hold on! Don’t do that! You´re going to get hurt! etc..) It reminded me of myself and how I always try to control everything to keep the painful from hurting me. But that means leaving out the spontaneity as well; it’s actually keeping life out. The girls kind of neglected their parents’ warnings and continue to play. It was a good and fun lesson to watch.

And here I am, struggling with deciding who I want to be. There is a feeling of being stuck in the struggle for meaning. Why am I struggling so hard to try and understand why I struggle? Isn’t the struggle enough? Or is the question wrong? And yet, at the same time I know I am me. And this means that I am me 100%, so with all the struggle and feelings and thoughts. But somehow I refuse to let go. I refuse to let go of my limiting view of myself and open up to a more realistic approach of myself. It’s the struggle of trying to grasp the idea of individuality by looking at the whole. And this is a never ending struggle, for in my heart I know that it is a mission impossible.

The feeling of being stuck is no stranger to me. For many years I have known this feeling, but most of the time I just ignored it. Lately however the feeling has become so urgent and everpresent; I can no longer hide away from it. I have to deal with it. And I’ve found out I don’t actually know how to deal with it. I seem to have lost the spontaneity I had when I was younger, though I know it’s still here inside under all these created layers of doubt, pain and struggle.

I’m struggling with the question how to be? But the question in itself is a strange one. How to be? What do I mean by that? To me it means that I actually think I don’t know how to be. But that’s absolutely absurd. For how can I not be? I am me every moment of the day, even though I can question whether I am or not.  I’m striving so hard to reach some place of release, enlightenment, that I totally miss the point. I’m trying to repeat every quote or mantra I’ve picked up in the spiritual books I’ve read, but I miss out the one essential thing. It’s not about striving to be. It’s about being and allowing the striving to be at the same time!

I realize I’m still very much connected to the image of me as a separate special self who has to make it in this life. But because I’m struggling so hard, I actually don’t know anymore what to do to become someone successful. Life is helping me to stop and look around to see what’s no longer working for me. Clinging on to the idea of reaching a final goal is one of these things. It’s like a major investment in a business which you don’t want to stop, even though everybody around you is telling you the business is going to collapse. And so it appears that everything is collapsing and that I have nothing to hold on to. It might be so. In the midst of this chaos there is being, even though I hardly recognize it.

I was looking for being myself so bad; I forgot that I always am right now. I don’t yet exist in the future and the past only comes into existence in the present. So to me it means accepting that I am not satisfied with myself and the way I live my life right now. Major investment gone incredibly wrong. So what? It gives me the opportunity to change a few things, unscrew some bolts and replace them. But it never meant there was no being. I just have wrong ideas about being alive. And writing it of my chest actually creates insight.. what a wonderful wonder 😉


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Pain

Unspoken of and yet intimately real
Covered by layers of sand
Deep down inside you remained
Years have passed
Memories faded
Untill now
You came to the surface with all force
Shattering false believes
Stable ground turns into quicksand
I’m drowning in you
And yet I feel I have to move on through
To find the bottom of this pit
To recover my very own innocence
The muddy pool now filled with water
You grew quietly without haste
And now you’re opening up
A painfully beautiful flower
Showing me who I am
What I have become is just an image
Of who I really am
The water reflects my inner being
Pure and unspoiled
With the pain now at the surface
I can feel again


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Acceptance

Vulnerability strikes at the heart
Uncovering our very insecurities
Touching the essence of our being
Pointing to the persistant belief
No matter what we do or achieve
We’ll never be good enough
Once realised this is only a choice
We’re finally free to rejoice
Opening up to a fresh reality
Seeing that our true value lies within
No longer clinging to peoples judgments
Ignoring the self destructive thoughts
Going inward into our hidden core
Choosing to embrace our vulnerability
A new light of insight shines in our way
We’ve always been good enough
Ever since our very first day