P N C O

Mostly photography, with the occasional philosophical contemplation

12: Blend in

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I guess i always try to blend in, but forget that it is but a reflection of me

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1: You – an ode to Nature

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Touched by the immensity of you. Even though i can hear the traffic in the distance, in here there is only you.
You whisper so softly in my ears. Your sweet melodies are composed of the finest tunes.
Blackbirds chatter as a Robin sets the stage for an impressive solo. The symphony is intriguing.
You just leave me speechless time after time. Just being here with you is enough.
In here everything can be. Everything i wanted to say has lost its importance.
Insects dance in the late sunlight, while the water calmly follows the stream.
In your green arms i can finally rest. Ever so gently, the night settles in.

 

Enjoy the moment

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Had a marvelous week in France.. also enjoyed a few beautiful sunsets..
Being there helped me to really be present and to enjoy the moment.
Let the mind talk, there’s no need to follow all those thoughts
As i relaxed into this mood of being, thoughts vanished by themselves

Dreamlands

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kade-forest

Dreamlands

Being on the other side as the magic slowly comes alive
Dream of lands full of mystical places long forgotten
Fairy tales escape from the minds of their creators
And find their dwelling in this land of in between
Playing on the land, in the water and flying through the sky
Nature performs her dance right in front of my very eyes

 

The net of being (by Alex Grey ©)

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The Net of Being

© Alex Grey

Copyright of the image lies with Alex Grey, a great visionairy artist.
Visit his website here:  http://www.alexgrey.com

note: This image of Alex Grey is more revealing than all the words and letters i’ve written underneath.. nevertheless, it might be interesting to read 😉

Something in me has the idea that i need to speak out. But I realize how futile that is. What is there to speak about? It’s the obvious which has been overlooked all the time. The obviousness of being. Just accepting and letting all go. There is this one secret. But it cannot be shared. For there is nobody to share it with. And yet, within all the dualities we play with, it is forever there.

I was always on the guard for complacency, but I never realized it works a little different than I thought it did. And that’s the trick with a lot of things. Every insight tells you the same story. Once you see it, you realize how futile your previous attempts were and how wrong you were. This insight taught me why I always felt incredibly vane. I was afraid of the idea that the world resolves around me. And yet, all spiritual teachings will tell you to turn your focus inwards, towards the self. So I was puzzled by this apparent paradox. I tried to get rid of the feeling of I in my life, but that’s the best way to fuel the whole idea of ‘I’. In the end it’s all I in disguise.

So it’s important to stay open to everything. It might be that everything you think is true, is but half of the story. In my case it was. I was trying so desperately to be myself, that I couldn’t be myself any longer. And yet, in my striving I was of course.. myself! I had only limited myself beyond the body. Stuck within a world of thoughts, I thought I’d find the answer there. But thoughts are mere responses, not answers. They only point back to the answer, which is unspeakable.

I’ll try to explain this a little by telling a personal experience. Ever since I took magic mushrooms some 7 years ago, oneness was the thing I was looking for. In that first trip I sat with my feet in the lotus position and after 30 minutes in that posture, I felt the blanket which was lying on top of me was not just the blanket. It was a part of me, just as much as the body is a part of me. My search for Oneness had started. But it confused me just as much as it excited me. What if it were only the drugs who initiated this feeling? What if it is all just a dream? I have been trying for 7 years now to grasp the true significance of that moment, but only by writing this down I realize it. It was there all along. I just didn’t see it at the time. I never followed the logic of the moment all the way down. Cause if I say that I was one with the blanket, doesn’t that imply that I’m one with everything?

And yet, I realized that in thought, but never really felt it for real. In the trip I felt it, but back then I was still hooked upon the idea that I was somehow living from the center somewhere in my body. It has taken a lot of reading, thinking, discussing, to free me from this delusion. Of course I have this body; of course it needs care and attention. But it’s not everything I am. This body is but a wave in the ocean. The ocean being all at once


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Having an urge

I have urge to speak

To convince and to discuss

Though it is futile

The ground of being

Has never left me at all

No need for searching

Allowing this state

Being in the moment now

Letting it all go

 

I’d love to tell you all i think what is true, but i realize that its of no use. Every one of us is unique and has his/her own unique set of thoughts, ideas and qualities which you share with the world. Its so amazing to feel the interconnectedness, to see that everything fits together. That we sometimes don’t understand.. its ok. Why should we understand? What’s understanding something anyway? Isnt it relating to something?

I realize that the trick is to play the role the way it is meant to be played. To truely live your Shakespearean role and life the Divine Comedy. With all its stress, pain, suffering, life has still magical gifts for us. Its up to us to see them.

It can be hard.. very hard and difficult.

 

For we blind ourselves.

 

And yet, even the act of blinding is illuminating

 

 


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Stuck in meaning

Yesterday I was sitting in the train and I was observing 2 playing girls who were with their parents and grandparents. While the girls were standing in the path just fooling around, the adults were constantly on the look for any imminent thread. (Hold on! Don’t do that! You´re going to get hurt! etc..) It reminded me of myself and how I always try to control everything to keep the painful from hurting me. But that means leaving out the spontaneity as well; it’s actually keeping life out. The girls kind of neglected their parents’ warnings and continue to play. It was a good and fun lesson to watch.

And here I am, struggling with deciding who I want to be. There is a feeling of being stuck in the struggle for meaning. Why am I struggling so hard to try and understand why I struggle? Isn’t the struggle enough? Or is the question wrong? And yet, at the same time I know I am me. And this means that I am me 100%, so with all the struggle and feelings and thoughts. But somehow I refuse to let go. I refuse to let go of my limiting view of myself and open up to a more realistic approach of myself. It’s the struggle of trying to grasp the idea of individuality by looking at the whole. And this is a never ending struggle, for in my heart I know that it is a mission impossible.

The feeling of being stuck is no stranger to me. For many years I have known this feeling, but most of the time I just ignored it. Lately however the feeling has become so urgent and everpresent; I can no longer hide away from it. I have to deal with it. And I’ve found out I don’t actually know how to deal with it. I seem to have lost the spontaneity I had when I was younger, though I know it’s still here inside under all these created layers of doubt, pain and struggle.

I’m struggling with the question how to be? But the question in itself is a strange one. How to be? What do I mean by that? To me it means that I actually think I don’t know how to be. But that’s absolutely absurd. For how can I not be? I am me every moment of the day, even though I can question whether I am or not.  I’m striving so hard to reach some place of release, enlightenment, that I totally miss the point. I’m trying to repeat every quote or mantra I’ve picked up in the spiritual books I’ve read, but I miss out the one essential thing. It’s not about striving to be. It’s about being and allowing the striving to be at the same time!

I realize I’m still very much connected to the image of me as a separate special self who has to make it in this life. But because I’m struggling so hard, I actually don’t know anymore what to do to become someone successful. Life is helping me to stop and look around to see what’s no longer working for me. Clinging on to the idea of reaching a final goal is one of these things. It’s like a major investment in a business which you don’t want to stop, even though everybody around you is telling you the business is going to collapse. And so it appears that everything is collapsing and that I have nothing to hold on to. It might be so. In the midst of this chaos there is being, even though I hardly recognize it.

I was looking for being myself so bad; I forgot that I always am right now. I don’t yet exist in the future and the past only comes into existence in the present. So to me it means accepting that I am not satisfied with myself and the way I live my life right now. Major investment gone incredibly wrong. So what? It gives me the opportunity to change a few things, unscrew some bolts and replace them. But it never meant there was no being. I just have wrong ideas about being alive. And writing it of my chest actually creates insight.. what a wonderful wonder 😉


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Judging

Judging

I sometimes judge myself even when I look at my cat. I then think about what he thinks is not good about me. Ain’t that something? A being which is by its nature Zen. And I think it’s judging me 🙂

It seems to me that most of us are afraid of other people judging us. And what do we do? We don’t give other people the chance to judge us, because we choose to judge ourselves before they even spend one second thinking of us. I have been so obsessed with other people’s opinions even though I thought I wasn’t. Lately I’m starting to realize I’ve held on to some very limiting ideas about how the world and people work. Judging is one of them. You might recognize it.

If you really think other people are judging you, have you ever considered that all the others are thinking just like you? Which is to say; they all think they’re being judged. In this way we keep this judging cycle in its place, without questioning it. We go along with gossiping and discussing other people’s lives, rather than looking at our own life. We seem to have forgotten that we are in control of ourselves.

It takes some courage to step out of this negative judging cycle and to see what it really is. To me judging is part of being a victim, whether you’re conscious of it or not. Most of our lives we have been taught that we need to follow certain guidelines; we need to respect authority and listen to our parents and teachers. And there is nothing wrong with that, in our early years we need help to assist us on our way. But if you are taught you need to become more successful than your parents, because you have the opportunity to go to university and they didn’t, you’re being taught the wrong way. Parents should never project their own failed dreams on their children. Children should be guided to fully express themselves without being judged. And what to think of teachers telling you you’ll never make it in life? Continue reading